NO I WON'T BUY IT

WHYYYYYYYYY

HASBRO, WHY DID YOU RUIN SOMETHING I ALREADY HATED!

Found it

Somebody is a Hangover fan - watch more funny videos

Extraordinary Measures

I liked it better when it was called "Lorenzo's Oil". Actually, I didn't like Lorenzo's Oil. Thought it sucked. Nicholas Nolte with an accent?

Fallon just called Fraser "versatile". Whatever.

Before I continue, I want to point out something Conan said before he signed off. He does not like cynicism. Well guess what. I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK.

I am going to watch an entire Fallon, so help me

12:43 AM - Fallon talking about some place called Haiti. Tracey Ullman and Brendan Fraser on tonight's show in 1996 and 1999, respectively!

12:44 AM - The Thank You Note bit breakdown: Jersey Shore joke leading off. I'm done watching this.

Awesome

Jimmy Fallon's tribute to Conan was very touching as in I'd like to touch a shotgun and shoot myself with it. NEVER FORGET.

Part 2

This is a good ending to Conan. I guess.

Was that Beck? THAT'S BECK!

BTW Sad Conan is sad. Television sucks.

We'll miss you Conan

Drunk and crying for Conan.

I'll be honest, I missed half of it.

Have a nice night, a-holes.

Legion Review

Hi, I'd like some ice cream?


Hey, you don't have to get out of the truck. I'll be right there, just getting money out of my wallet.



HOLY SHIT.

So, you're out of ice cream?



AHHHHHHHHHHH

Here is the actual synopsis, care of IMDB:

"An out-of-the-way diner becomes the unlikely battleground for the survival of the human race. When God loses faith in humankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity's only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner with the Archangel Michael (Bettany)."

What took you so long, God? I lost faith in humankind a long time ago.

God is funny. Rather than use his abundance of superpowers, He'd prefer to send his angel army (I call them Heaven's Angels) to exact revenge because some lady is preggers with the next messiah. God is Norman Schwarzkopf. This lady cannot have the baby because New God would totally usurp Old God and get all his expensive stuff.

Reader: "So God is trying to stop the baby from being born? I've seen this movie before. It was called Vera Drake."

Well. Not just the baby. Everyone's execution is ordered. And who better to murder people than angels, amirite? Here's your typical Legion angel:


Knew I should've been nicer to Nana. How'd that bitch get into heaven?

This reminds me of a quote from It's a Wonderful Life, when Zuzu Bailey says: "Every time a bell rings, an angel tries to bite off your neck flesh." Probably my favorite movie for some reason. Other than Legion, of course.

My boy D-Quaid blasts possessed messenger grandma with his Pump Action Remington 870, and all is right with the world. It was at this point of the movie that I walked out. I'm too devout for this shit.

.....

HAHA, GOTCHA! whaaaaaaaaaaat


GET BACK IN THE TRUCK AND MAKE ME SOME EFFING ICE CREAM.

Plot turning point spoiler alert: Angels are allergic to pecan pie. (Turn to your Bibles, Acts 6:5-8 to read more) I'm a little shocked at how stupid the angels were. The preggers waitress kept asking "Would you like some pecan pie?" and the angels would eat it, despite sitting right next to their dead comrades. I think this movie should be retitled: "Hell's Recruiting Video". Who wants to become an angel when angels are stupid, vampiric, and pederastic? I invent words. Meanwhile, Demons get to bone chicks and battle Arnold. Easy sell.

Then Blade pops up out of nowhere.

I thought it was a pretty good movie. It had the violence sociopaths like myself crave, and just enough religious themes to teach us a thing or two about The Cloth. My favorite scene is when Tyrese wrapped his bald head in the Shroud of Turin and curb stomped an angel.

Yes, it's that kind of movie.

What's that smell I detect? Super Polident? How romantic! Here, take a bite out of my neck flesh, angel.

I give this two wings up. Gag.

March your calendars, AHAHA

To Jay Leno:

On March 1st, Jay Leno, the only comedian I need to accept REM sleep, is returning to "The Tonight Show." Just joshin' ya, Jay.

We've missed you, buddy. You brought a warm aura to Tonight as an everyday guy, man of the people. Shaking hands with the audience invoked a sense of understood comradery. I felt it, and I cannot wait for the return of the familiar bits we've come to know and love:

Headlines - Love, love, LOVE headlines. Betsy to heavens, it is just the knee's bees.

Did you get the one I sent you, Jay? It was about the Haiti earthquake. No typos, I just figured the Haiti earthquake would qualify as the funniest thing on your show.

Jaywalking - Haha, people sure are stupid sometimes, or all the time, depending on where you live. You live in Los Angeles. I remember that one time when you were all like:

Jay: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
Pedestrian: "River Phoenix."

And I was like "WHAAAAAAAAAAT, THAT'S HILARIOUS." Then there was that one time:

Jay: "Who was the first pro tempore of the Senate?"
Pedestrian: "John Langdon"
Jay: "....That's correct....uh....just say 'The Situation' so we can edit this later to make you look stupid."

And I was like "WHAAAAAAAAAAT, THAT'S HILARIOUS."

I only have two examples. Eat a bag.

Videos Found on Youtube - A near perfect segment. Do you have a paid writing staff? Just wondering.

Hey look, I found a video on youtube.

Stuff we Found on eBay - A near perfect segment. Do you have a paid writing staff? Still wondering.

Hey look, I found stuff on eBay.

Celebrity Jeopardy - Yes, like this. Except you can do it, too. If it's on the same network, you can do it exactly the same way.

10 @ 10 - 10 @ 10 is so effing brilliant, I feel it in my polyps.

I cannot stress the beauty of satellite delay in a talk show interview enough. The split seconds before someone answers a question like "what's up with ketchup?" or "boxers or apartheid?" make me happy.

Further, it's a not so subtle way of saying "this person did not want to come on the actual show." Or, in one case, "this person will incinerate me beyond recognition."

I'm no longer using the proper pronouns to direct this to Jay Leno. Thanks Teach.

Ross the Intern - Oh! I get it. The gay thing.

Pitch to America - According to wikipedia: "The crew goes to a trade show, where inventors pitch their product, and the audience [guesses, by yelling] ....'sold' or 'not sold'" (or 'paging doctor faggot'). I probably should've paraphrased instead of butchering the quote. Anyway, here's an example if your senses enjoy S&M.

Pitch to America: Terrible Inventions!

GOOD STUFF!

Here's my invention. It's the Jay Leno tribute machine!



Sold.
See you in hell,
me

Outstanding Tennis Play

:13 probably the play of the year, oh and don't read the title of the video...



Update: Tennis Australia made this possible.

Yahoo! is a funny mine

This is ....wow

The article doesn't appear to fit within the scope of "Better Homes and Gardens," but Heather Wagner will tell you exactly what to do when you're.....eating at a restaurant by yourself? Yes, please coach us through the peril of being an adult eating alone in a place of business. I'll skip the intro because I didn't read the intro and I won't begin to read the intro. Ever.

1. Be Bookish. Always come armed with reading material. Having something to read not only keeps you from getting bored but also serves as a shield against waitstaff pity or unwanted conversational overtures from fellow patrons.

Suggested reading material to prevent waitstaff pity: Mein Kampf. Yeah, it's easy. Look here, I even googled for other offensive books, but google just wouldn't oblige.

And waitstaff pity? Counterpoint.

2. Try The Bar. For many would-be solo diners, the fear of being surrounded by lovey-dovey couples or raucous groups can be prohibitive. Requesting a seat at the bar is a good solution: Most restaurants will serve the full menu, bar seating is casual and low-profile, and you're likely to be surrounded by other content singletons.

Yeah, but Chucky Cheese doesn't have a bar. WOCKA WOCKA.

This lady is suggesting to our dear reader to become an alcoholic, because we all know a singular instance of eating alone begins the downward spiral of booze, drugs and C.H.U.D. hookers.

Also, "likely to be surrounded by other content singletons"? I thought discretion was the name of the game here, but this B is looking to introduce a future group of AA.

3. Exude Confidence. Stride up to the host or hostess and proudly request your table. Never shrug or say, “just me” as though you’re apologizing. It takes guts to eat alone, and you should command the respect you deserve.

What is it that the kids type here? Facepalm?

No, I think said person should walk up to the hostess, soak said pants in urine, and faint at the sheer pressure of BEING AN ADULT EATING A MEAL. Or hell, let's do the polar opposite. Proclaim to everyone at the restaurant that you shall sup alone and that you are now king of the restaurant. Big shit.

ARRRRRGH "It takes guts to eat alone"?!?!?! It takes an exam final, an incurable body odor, segregation and/or swine flu. It does not take guts. And what about it commands respect? Wearing a tuxedo?

4. Eavesdrop. People in restaurants tend to be drinking, which often results in loud talking, over-sharing, bawdy jokes, or bitter marital brawls. Either way you can (discreetly) listen in on proximate tables and gain valuable insight into the human condition. Bonus points for detecting awkward first-time Internet dates.

Tell me I'm not reading this, God. Are you there? It's me, the internet.

Bonus points for being a nosy creep!!!!!!! But to hell with these people. You have guts and command respect, so you shall be privy to ALL CONVERSATIONS.

If someone does this for the purpose of "gain[ing] valuable insight into the human condition," they should go purchase Mein Kampf. I'm. sorry. It's. just. so. easy. Here it doesn't even make sense, and I still used it.

5. Befriend Your Blackberry. Most of us are borderline addicted to checking our Blackberries or mobile phones. While it’s impolite to do this in the company of others, it's an absolutely acceptable activity when you’re dining alone: Reading the news, checking your Twitter feed, fondly reading old emails from loved ones, or scanning your secret crush’s Facebook page...the wireless possibilities are endless.

God

Damn it

Did you know it's acceptable to check your phone when you're alone? I recently purchased a phone that I have yet to touch. Then this advice nugget came into my life, and I've been checking my phone ever since. Thanks Superior Houses and Conservatories!

"The wireless possibilities are endless" She means porn. And really, who the hell eats alone while fondly reading old emails from loved ones? Grandpa, is that you? I thought you were dead? Because you are.

6. Go, Team! Even if you’re not terribly into sports, if there’s a game playing, become a fan for the evening. You’ll be surprised how an entranced gaze up at the screen now and then will give you a sense of purpose, as will a well-timed groan of defeat or hearty fist-pumping “Yes!”

#@%( M)V@@@@@@@@XUI@J(#@)UCIiiiiiiiiiii

Oh, I'm sorry. I fainted.

What were we talking about? Oh yes, cheer for a sports team! By yourself! Aloud! .....BY YOURSELF!

This writer lady is all over the map. Does she want the eatery zombies to keep to themselves, or does she want them to become microcosms of life's failures? I'm 'fused.

7. Think Like A Food Critic. Pretend you are reviewing the restaurant. Observe the nuances of each course, take in the presentation, note the faults and strengths of the décor and keep a sharp eye on the service. This puts you in a position of judgment – always empowering.

Or a better way to put it: "Be a dick."

8. Life Is Short, Enjoy The Steak. Finally, remember to relax, enjoy yourself, and focus on the positives of solo dining. Just think: There will be no quibbling over who pays, no awkward pauses, and no drawn-out discussions about your companion's relationship or work problems. You really can be your own best dinner date.

Listen, writer lady!

"Remember to relax" - EEEEEEEERRRRRRRCKKKKKKK I'M EATING ALONE

/Implants fingernails into neck

"There will be no quibbling over who pays" - Yeah. YOU will pay. THAT'S AWESOME!

"No awkward pauses" - One could argue that the entire ordeal is a single awkward pause. That one is me.

"You really can be your own best dinner date." - Yeah, but the magic doesn't happen until the "the wireless possibilities are endless." I mean porn.

Other than that, solid writing, writer lady.

Who is sending Jeff Zucker death threats?

I just want to go on record and say: not me.

In other news, Mister Zucker super glued 20 ninja stars to a boomerang and threw it into a preschool.

THIS Guy

Jeff.Zucker.

I have nothing against Jeff Zucker. I really don't. The man has not done anything to me or anyone I know. Oh wait, breaking news: Jeff Zucker fills birthday pinata full of killer bees.

Guess whose birthday! Conan's kids.

Zucker: "Uwahahahaha"

Jeff Sucker

Jeff Zucker is changing his name to Jeff Sucker, the AP reports.

Sucker: "I like to put leeches down my pants."

No details or future.